Content

27 May 2016

It has been awhile since I updated so thought I better get into gear and get something down.

Last month’s cycle was cancelled due to too many eggs (3) and the risk of triplets… to say I was disappointed is an understatement. I was really optimistic at the beginning of the cycle especially after being devastated by the previous one and was just looking forward to get going.

So anyway, disappointed I just kept to daily tasks and normal life. Hubby and I didn’t bring up the discussion for a few days as I don’t think he wanted to upset me as I was a bit fragile. And I was lost… now what? I guess the next step is IVF… what am I waiting for? what am I afraid of? When the topic did come up in conversation, well it was a no brainer really…IVF is our next step. We don’t want to wait any longer than we have too. Hubby asked if that is what I wanted to do and yes it was. He was supportive and wanted to only do that if I was ready and ok to do so. As he said, it’s me who has to go through the drugs and treatment and all not him so I have to be mentally ok for that to happen. I said yep that is what I am prepared to do…BUT I cannot proceed with IVF while I am in this job role right now. Hubby was a bit taken back when I said that….he knew that I didn’t enjoy my job, but he didn’t realise that it was doing that much to me mentally. We had a heated discussion about I can’t just leave my job as we don’t have the finances to do so (especially with a renovation about to begin on our home) and that if we do get pregnant, babies aren’t exactly cheap. I wasn’t talking about giving up my job and not doing anything, but I need to find a happier job where I would be happy. I cannot deal with having to go through IVF in my personal life and my daily everyday life at work not being something I enjoy. I need a bit of a reprieve from it all. I know it sounds weak and I thought I was a stronger person than this, but wowsers, this journey has really tested my strength and I often had thought how am I going to get through this all?

After this breakdown and it dawned on me that there is nothing I can change at the moment so I am going to have to deal with the situation. I started to think about the positives about being in this role – flexible, close to home and possible future appointments if required etc. And I just turned a corner one day and thought I am content with everything right now. I am ok mentally to deal with this and go through IVF…. well, the stars had another plan for me.

I got offered a part time role in the city which is similar to my previous role. There will be lots of scope and variety, I might actually feel ‘important’ again. I was in two minds about it, mind you as I thought oh god will I be able to deal with the long travel each day. But then it is only for 3 days a week, I can catch up on my reading (I recently joined the local library) and I will get some downtime ‘me’ time on the train. I will have a lot more flexibility with my days off and get things done, go to appointments etc. And just when I was feeling content, this elevated it even more and I can truly say I am happy =) I have found myself saying this to myself the last few days, which is great. This is also due to my fantastic, ever supportive husband. I know he was a bit shell shocked about me going part-time but elated for me as he wants to see me happy instead of a grumpy guts evening when I come home. I know he is a bit anxious about our financial situation but we have some saved up and I will be super woman saver even more to get more in the bank. He is supposed to starting on a salary soon and is anxious as the first figure was not a very favourable one, so is hoping the figure will be satisfactory and then I think he will be comfortable. He just doesn’t realise that is already doing so well without it so far and it can only get better.

So, we have been looking into IVF and have started the initial conversations with a practitioner and looks like we start in July, that is if we don’t get pregnant naturally before then of course. But I suppose the bottom line is, I am feeling happy and content with where we are at now and I’m ok with where we are at right now. Yes, I am getting older but I not going to age over two months. It will happen when it happens and I’m ok with that right now.